An attempt at honesty about healing

Recently, I spent a few days with my father. We went for walks together, talked on the balcony until late, and were able to express and hear each other's needs. Not perfectly, but with genuine attempts to be together with love and curiosity.

A few years ago, this would have not been our reality. I always wanted to connect, but my body would freeze or I’d feel anxiety at the thought of spending time with him. When I pushed through anyway, I'd quickly become triggered, irritated and confrontational. Unsafe and unpredictable connection throughout my childhood was traumatic for me, and my adult body was responding accordingly. This time I also noticed myself becoming reactive towards the end of our time together. Yet, that time together was possible.

Watching myself being able to relate differently this time has been surprising and reassuring. And it made me want to share my perspective on what healing trauma is (and what it isn’t) from my therapist lens, as well as what healing takes, with honesty. I find that so many people who work with trauma often share the possibilities, but don’t talk enough about the limitations, which to me creates a general sense of overpromise.

A note on language

When I say "healing trauma," I'm talking about the broader definition of trauma - the reactions, emotional patterns, and beliefs that developed to keep us safe, but now define and/or limit how we relate to ourselves and others. This is different from PTSD, which is a set of severe experiences that disrupt daily life. Healing PTSD is not what I am reflecting on below.

What's realistic when it comes to healing trauma?

Healing trauma is changing your relationship with the inner experience created by the traumatic event. It is developing awareness of that experience, compassion towards it, and the capacity to allow it to exist - without letting it define your life.

I think of it as expanding, to be able to contain that emotional state, perhaps even with loving awareness, and to feel safe and resilient, rather than collapsing whilst being in it.

Healing can also look like your response becoming less intense, slower to escalate, easier to stay present with over time.

Healing is NOT never having that difficult feeling or reaction again.

If you're on this path, perhaps it could be supportive to understand what it actually takes to get to a more resilient place of relating to your trauma. This is what has been true in my practice, and in my own experience.

Consistency and time

Your nervous system doesn't learn that it's safe overnight. No plant medicine retreat, somatic release workshop or other form of a “transformative space” on their own will result in a sustainable, lasting change. Through consistent experiences - in conversations, relationships, situations - your body gradually learns that it can stay present without being overwhelmed. That it can feel without collapsing. This takes time and practice, just like learning anything else.

The relationships around you

Can you be authentic in your relationships? Can you express yourself honestly while maintaining connection with your needs - and be accepted for it? Celebrated for it? Loved? Or does belonging require you to disconnect, pretend, or suppress yourself? Your relationships can be your main support system, or they can be a limitation. This is something important to be aware of.

Knowing what's happening

Do you understand what triggers your response? Is it certain situations, words, spaces, people? Can you name it? The awareness can help you choose the right path towards something different, and also help being more focused and specific with your inner work and the kind of people you come to for support.

Honouring your unique nervous system

We're all different. What feels safe to one person might overwhelm another. The pace of healing is deeply individual. If anyone tells you they know exactly what you need - a specific number of sessions, retreats, or certain timeline - they’re best case projecting and worse case making it up. Practitioners can share their experience, but no one can know what is going to happen for you.

Participation

Once you're aware of what creates a response, can you choose differently? Can you take a moment, recalibrate, check in with what you need, communicate, ask for support. 

I know for myself - trauma responses can feel almost.. comfortable. They're so familiar. Cosy. It’s like you wouldn't quite be yourself without them. If you are finding this being true for you - know that it’s not a problem. It simply means it still feels more safe to be that way, rather than to choose differently. Can you start with being honest (ideally with compassion) about what you're choosing? How does the thought of responding differently make you feel?

Committing to expansive experiences

Movement. Exercise. Using your voice. Learning something new. Time in nature. Creative flow. These activate supportive neurochemistry, and work in so many other wonderful ways that support change. I’ve underlined one word in this entire newsletter and it’s “committing”.

Why am I writing this and what makes me think this is relevant information?

Almost with every person I work with, at some point we inevitably come to a place of the urgency to heal. This can show up as frustration - “why is this happening again”, impatience - “how many times do I need to revisit this”, anger - “nothing is working”. And I get it. I’ve been there myself.

And, I will keep writing about this again and again - healing takes time. It’s slow steps. Do you celebrate them? It’s not linear. Your journey is unique to you. Your steps forward are unique to you. Your steps backwards, too. Your capacity to show up will change, and that's okay.

The ultimate goal is not to heal trauma, it is to honour your journey, and to practice self-compassion. It is to grow your capacity to stay with how you feel. That’s what will keep you going, and what will take you into the depth of connection with yourself, and therefore resilience, that the urgency can never create.

And then one day you may find yourself feeling calm, steady, and safe - in a situation where you wouldn't have felt this way in the past.

In fact, I know many of you recently have had such experiences. I celebrate you, and every step you take.

With love,

Liza